“Don’t Try This At Home!”

At some point during every seminar, I tell our attendees, “Do NOT use these techniques at home!” Of course, then I flip it around and say, “Unless your kid is dating someone you want to know more about.” I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite?

There are so many uses of the skills we use in interviewing that I’m not sure how to list them all here. All I can do is give you some real-world examples from my own life outside of the interview room so you start to think where you might be able to apply them yourself.

Let’s start at home.  I have four kids: Brittany, Brett, Greg and Payton.  All my kids know what my wife and I do for a living and that we are both Certified Forensic Interviewers.  This is unfair at times, and I admit as much to them.  Let’s go back to my oldest daughter’s boyfriend and their plans for the Military Ball (same as a prom).  My daughter was not ready when her boyfriend arrived to pick her up, so I decided it was a good time to have a discussion and learn more about the young man.  After some behavior norming questions (“Where do you live? How long have you lived there? What classes are you taking in school?”), I decided to jump into what I really wanted to know.

”Where are you taking my daughter tonight?”  His response was great until it wasn’t.

“Sir, I am taking her to dinner at this restaurant, then we are going to the Military Ball, then afterwards a bunch of us are going to this restaurant, and then…” (wait for it) he looked away and said, “and then I will be bringing her home”.  At this moment I asked him to step out of my house as I was upset that he had just lied to me.  He was confused, but I did not let up.  I am not saying I handled this correctly mind you, as my daughter still reminds me.  Once outside, when my daughter had joined us, I said “I am going to ask again, son, give me the whole night’s itinerary.”  This time I received the exact same answer through the second restaurant, at which point he said, “..and then we are heading to the Thompson’s for an afterparty.”   There the truth was out, and I identified where I needed to be after the Military Ball was over to check on my daughter.

I mentioned that it is not fair that my kids have the parents that they do, but it is the burden they must carry.  I remember when my youngest son, Greg, was seven years old, and my wife and I were having a hard time figuring out what he would do when he was not being completely honest with us.  We just could not pinpoint Greg’s “tell”.  My wife and I had many discussions trying to figure out if he really had brushed his teeth or washed his hair in the shower.  I felt like I was failing as a parent, not being able to tell if he was being honest. So I sat Greg down and had a short conversation with him. Disclaimer: What I am about to tell you is wrong, but I am here to tell you I did it. I’m not saying I am proud of it, but I did it.

Me: “Son, you know what Mom and I do for a living, correct?”

Greg: “Yes, Dad.”

Me: “And you know we are pretty good at it, that is why we travel the world teaching others how to do it?”

Greg: “Yes, Dad.”

Me: “This is not fair to you, or your brother and sisters, and we can tell when you are lying.”

Greg: “Yes, Dad, Brett told me you could tell and to be careful.”

Me: “Right. That is why Mom and I are going to tell you what you do every time you are trying to lie to us, to make it fairer.  Does that sound like something you would like to know?”

Greg: “Yes, Dad!”

Me: “Son, every time you lie to us your right eyebrow goes up and moves.”

At this point, my son starts playing with his eyebrow.  I really hope you can visualize this conversation as it was hard not to smile.  That was all that was said.  Later that night, Greg gets out of the shower and comes to his mother and I for “inspection”.  We asked him if he did in fact shower and if he washed his hair.  My son covers his right eye and says, “Yes Dad, in fact I think I got some shampoo in my eye.”

He was told to go back to the shower and really wash his hair.

Again, not proud of this looking back on it, but it has become a family joke after we admitted our trick to the kids. And, by the way, it worked for years and was very helpful in separating the truth from fiction.  Okay, enough of giving my kids complexes for the remainder of their lives.  Let’s look at some other constructive ways to use these skills outside of the interview room.

Rapport-building is so important in our interviews, and it is equally important in everyday life.  Recently my wife, Stefanie, wrote an article about rapport-building using my coaching as an example:  I had several new players on my baseball team this year.  These are 15-, 16-, and 17-year-old players.  My schedule made me miss all the practices, so the first time I was meeting some of them was at batting practice prior to the game.  The new players had heard they could get batting practice from the returning players.  We started with Greg, and I joked with him that he was required to lay down two bunts before he could “swing away”.  We were laughing as I tossed curveballs at him to see how he would handle it.  Next came one of the new players. As we picked up the balls from Greg’s at-bat, I went up to the player and asked, “What school do you go to? Do you play on the high school team? What position do you play? Is there a place you wanted to play that you never had a chance to play?”  After they answered, I could talk about the place they wanted to play as I started pitching to them.  They had relaxed enough to lay down the two bunts and hit the line drives as I tossed different types of pitches to them.  More importantly, they were able to take coaching on their stances, swings, and more.  Don’t ever overlook putting someone at ease by rapport-building.

Do you like the experience of buying a new car?   Not many people do, but I kind of enjoy it.  The experience gives me a chance to use our WZ methods in a fun environment.  More importantly, it hopefully saves money for our family if done well.  Imagine walking into a car dealership and the salesperson comes up to you to start their own rapport-building.  When you know the game, it’s much more fun to play along.  Turn the tables, and start asking questions about them to develop a behavioral norm. “How long have you worked here? Where did you work before?” After that, I like to lead into a deeper question: “With as long as you’ve been here, I bet you have seen some crazy situations and  customers.”  I always receive some nods and smiles, even better if they come with stories. Then, while they’re comfortable, I pop the question I truly care about: “What is the largest discount you have ever given off of sticker price since you have been here?”  When they respond with the classic PAUSE and HESITATATION, I can ask my exaggerated follow-up question: “It wasn’t as much as 50 % was it?”  They say, “Oh no, not that much!”  As you can imagine, I can walk the salesperson back to an exact percentage and then tell them I will take the car at that discounted price. I mean, if it was good for another customer, why would it not be good for me?

The usage of your interview techniques outside of the interview room is only limited by your imagination and the person on the other side of the conversation. Why should something so valuable be restricted to the interview room alone? I encourage any interviewer to try out their techniques in areas they may not have considered before, but remember: Don’t try this at home if you’re not ready for the answer you’re going to get!

DISCLAIMER:  The blog provided by WZ is intended to provide an entertaining example only.  WZ material should not actually be used at home, when emotion is involved it changes perceptions and (real or perceived) outcomes of conversations.  WZ does not accept any third-party liability.